'this whole romantic love thing... it's just a projection, right?'

It just started snowing outside... it's an overcast Sunday and the only sound in my apartment is my ipod set on low.

Love is not a victory march / It's a cold and broken Hallelujah...

The snow starts falling harder

Raise your hopeful voice / You had a choice / Falling slowly, eyes that know me / And I can't go back Moods that take me and erase me/ Take this sinking boat and point it home/ We've still got time

Snow starts filling up the sunroof on my car.
I took a photo on Thanksgiving of the candle on the dinner table, as seen through my (mostly empty) glass of red wine.

Abstract, lines, light, deep reds. The rest of the weekend has had a similar feel.

Portrait of the past two days, seen through Polaroid snapshots:

Many games of Scrabble. "DragonPee", "alibi," "vicar"

Cellos and Lefthand beer with Meredith, leaving more cello messages for ourselves and for friends
("You play the top part" "me? Really? I don't know. I have shy toes right now")

Synechdoche, NY with Thad and Tom. (Thad- "I don't know what I didn't really like about it, but whatever it was, I just REALLY didn't like it about it") ("there are millions of people in the world, and none of them is an extra-- they're all leads in their own stories")

Sitting in coffee shops alone with Delillo's White Noise... getting thoroughly creeped out when he described terrorists hi-jacking a passenger plane and slamming it into the White House, "The president and first lady escaping with nothing but scrapes"... (published in 1985).

Staying up past 2am cleaning out two rooms of my apartment and scrubbing them down in anticipation of painting, and learning from Lance as I stood in my painting clothes bright and early the next morning that cold temperatures are disastrous for house painting days.

Pigtails and my new hat. Sweatpants. Meaningless tv. Putting off trips to King Soopers. Bemused by a sudden flurry of reunion invitations from elementary school comrades. (And being more inclined to attend a kindergarten reunion than a high school reunion)

Missing my friends from Hamilton and starting to understand the whole "you won't really appreciate it until you're gone" warnings about college. Wishing in some ways that I could re-do part of those four years... let myself off the hook a little, pull all-nighters in the library a little less often. Feel more confident about myself. Video tape all those wonderful comedy shows, so I wouldn't be left with just memories of Swedish accents, DeBeers riffs and 80s dance routines. Wear warmer winter clothing. Confront my adviser when he f*d me over and "forgot to give me honors" after every part of my heart and soul was poured into the work I had done for the past four years. Be brave when it comes to my personal life, and not just my academic life. Grilled sandwiches every day in -10 degree weather. Endless amounts of coffee.

I am plagued by questions these days... big-picture questions. Unresolved questions. Life-changing questions with no firm answers.
The stillness of the weekend helps me push them out of my mind.
Simply sit by the window and watch the snow fall...