commitment o'clock

I've been waffling about this for a long time... mostly because I can't, in my heart of hearts, commit to a year-long (or more) program when I'm stuck in this transitional, one-foot-in, one-foot-out part of my life.

But it's my lunch break, and I'm staring out the window at this beautiful sunny day, wondering-- on the flip side-- why on earth I *wouldn't* commit to this, either.

So next week, unless there's any unforseen problem, I'm going to go to the orientation, get fingerprinted, give permission for a background check, sign all the paperwork and become a 'big sister' with the Boulder County Partners mentorship program. And honestly, I'm scared... 3-4 hours a day, one day every week... with a child I've never met. I'm not a parent! I'm not good at cooking! I have funny looking hair! I mop my floors singing Etta James and watch crappy tv shows sometimes when I should be reading obscure literature!

But... I love to read. And draw. And write stories. And walk outside. And get ice cream after playing 'horse' on the school basketball court. And learn about animals. I love movies, board games, and hide and seek. I love talking about families, and school, and things that build character, for better or for worse. I love conversations with kids... from what they did at school that day, to what their secret, most intense anxieties stem from. And I've worked so hard to turn the world that I saw and feared and loved as a child into the world that I see and love and fear as an adult. Age is just childhood plus experience-- we're still the wide-eyed, vulnerable, excitable, ice-cream loving people that we were when we were very small. And I would love to spend long, unrushed afternoons with a young girl who could benefit from someone who's gone ahead, to reassure her that the kids will stop picking on her... that the barking dog is safely enclosed behind the fence... that the things that bring her joy aren't a fleeting part of her childhood, but rather, blossoming aspects of her personality that she will draw joy from over the course of her entire life.

I hope they find a good match in both of us.

This girl is out there-- she's at school right now, maybe looking out the window at the same time that I am.
I'm curious what she's like.
I'm anxious about whether or not I'd be a good older sister for her...
but I'm so, so excited to meet her.