thoughts just before sleep without stopping

..letter..
from a far-away friend
address printed and loose pages bound
in the folded envelope of an old record sleeve
some pages hand written in ink
some typed from an old typewriter
each letter puffing out like braille on the other side of the paper
thoughts and memories captured in the blank spaces
of vintage black and white magazine ads
exclamations, consolations, imagination
grace the negative space between apartment buildings
a 3x5 portrait of my hero, charlie chaplin
and finally, at the end, folded in half
a child's drawing of a man with a huge, smiling, wonderful face

the first drawing a child has ever given me

..phone..
hot on my face where it's tucked along my cheek
i balance it there and listen as I place four white candles
in small glass votives along the countertop
still listening, I crack open a plastic box
and pull out three dark green candles
to put in the four asymmetrical holes of a sugar mold
found in an ancient Mexican ranch
each candle tips to a slightly different angle
they look out of place next to the empty holder
I breathe deeply, slowly
and remember my promise to myself
I will learn to control the small shakes in my tone
that betray my emotions
the tinder of my voice is a smooth, clear cylinder of glass
but my legs begin to feel weak
the candles tip over
as I seek the darkness of my bed

an ocean of blue cotton envelopes me on the tide of my sleep

..proustian..
the phone is clicked shut and set aside,
still warm from being held against my body for so long
I promise myself a run in the morning, to make up for lost time
and an early day at work to get the eight hour stretch over with
I bribe myself with the promise of a tall, steaming cup of Columbian roast
and suddenly I am back in an apron, hair pulled into a bun
wiping espresso off the tops of my hands
smiling at the man and his child across from me
struck by the honesty on their faces
I chalk it up to a day in the mountains or the zoo;
the man's long-sleeved tee shirt has an icon of a hiking dog on it
his child's blue waffle print shirt and short dark haircut are especially sweet
I do not know how I am aware of the joy they feel in that moment
he orders two chocolate malt shakes in clear plastic cups
I put the ingredients in a blender and slip them a free cookie
still hot from the oven, chocolate chips melting onto the napkin
"whipped cream?" I ask over a cacophany of grinding ice and milk
he cups his hand over his ear
"would your son like whipped cream?" I ask
now almost a yell as the blender unexpectedly goes silent
one of the longest silences of my life
only the sound of a piece of ice sliding off of the grey countertop
"she. would."
the child's expression does not change
as she leans against him. His arm around her shoulder.
"wouldn't she?"
there is no nod.

dumping the chocolate into the cups took an eternity
each crystalline piece clung to the blades
my only option was to slam it against the counter and try again
whack. whack. whack.
richocheting off the walls of the cafe
I could feel her large, dark eyes watching
as I clumsily shook the whipped cream canister
pushed the nozzel into the lid
overcompensated with nerves, and cream overflowed
not knowing what else to do, I simply set a green straw into the middle
of the toppled white mess
and set two cups down in front of them
it was then that I saw
at the very top of the blue waffle shirt
the tiniest blue bow

I don't remember if he paid, or what I said
they walked away with their chocolate shakes
and just before entering the long row of magazine racks
she reached up to hold his hand
neither said a word

I made as much noise as possible putting on yellow latex gloves
washing dishes deterred customers from approaching the counter
I turned the hot water on high,
scraping at an imaginary coffee stain on the side of the sink
hot tears brimmed under my eyelids
that would not fall for fear of being wiped away
by chemical-coated hands
I wore a hole in the thumb of the glove as I rubbed it against the drain

wondering if it was the first time they'd been out after her diagnosis