the wall

In running, they say that you hit the wall
and then burst through on the other side, full of energy
you'll run endlessly if you can just get through that wall
without breaking the momentum halfway through

I hit the wall last weekend
I'd been running for a long time, with a little Gatorade upper
halfway through February
the sugar rush had given my stride some kick

But then my legs cramped with a few harsh words, misunderstandings, disappointments
by Friday, I had no more reserves to work from
walked away from a huge part of my job at work
and settled into the quiet sensation of bigger picture introspection

By late afternoon, the clouds absorbed the daylight like black cotton
I left at a quarter to 5 with a clammy case of the chills after the rain started
up most of the night before with a friend and a conversation
that broke my heart around its circumference
like a pint glass that cracks until the bottom falls out

My heart broke for my friend
but his remained whole
beating hard in his chest, keeping him looking straight ahead
he was strong enough to be Alive, and moving at a steady clip
while I faltered under the weight of second-hand tragedy

I set my alarm clock for pre-sunrise
checked the batteries in the camera case
leaned the boom against my front door
to be sure that I wouldn't leave without it
lay in bed thinking for hours with red cheeks and cold feet

By Sunday
every pollen, mold and spore in the West had bloomed
I couldn't decipher how much of me was being invaded by allergies,
and how much of me was simply shutting down
like a laptop when it's run too long with insufficient power

I know I'm not a runner
I'm a jogger at best
a girl with unruly hair and circles under her eyes
slippers on her feet and overdue fees at the library

My friends are runners, and I get up early when they race
because I want to stand on the curb with my pink messenger bag
hoping they'll recognize me when they go past and I cheer
I don't know if I could keep up with them

When the wall breaks, pieces fall everywhere
the footing becomes clumsy, dust settles into your lungs
the sensation of motion becomes paramount
but the mind asks what it would feel like to stand still
and simply watch the wall come down