good intentions

alarm went off at 7:04
generic alarm clock noises scare the crap out of me
lightest sleeper alive
i'm under two blankets and a quilt, dreaming hard
still manage to hit it before the 3rd beep
i wonder where my $8 radio alarm is from college
that one that channeled "thriller" through the static
to wake me up on my 21st birthday
the same day i found an old love note in a library book
the day i put on jessie's skis at 10am and slid around the dorm hallways

alarm off, cold morning waiting
put on a pair of sweats
look under my bed for my shoes
spent all of yesterday cleaning the apartment
and the grubby sneakers disappeared with the tile grime
start to peel a clementine
weekend was warm enough that some of the sidewalks are clear
still just dark enough to have some privacy
from early bird workers at the tea factory

open the balcony door a crack to see how cold it is
put my half-peeled clementine down
stretch my quads, make a few puffs of breath in the cold
my sinuses hurt so much that my eyes squint
by the time i finish the clementine my throat is raw
take the sneakers off, laces resist being unknotted
jogging delayed, extra sleep lost
watch the news without paying attention

get to work early, face hurting
sludgy coffee brewing in the kitchen
first time in months someone made it before me
wistfully remembering silver canyon-- our free trade tastes like feet
pour a cup, sit down to 100 pages of proofing
call from upstairs: the man, and a meeting
the kind with lots of xeroxed copies
my monday shoot is cancelled, re-scheduled, cancelled again
"your editor doesn't need...company priorities..."
hell bulges against the dam
i remind myself that crying in front of the boss is not an option
speak quietly, use eye contact, put my new reading glasses on
"ultimately, it's your call..."
my sinuses are screaming
the shoot is salvaged
as long as i work this weekend and late all next week
part deux
until the project is done
before his vacation begins

drive for 45 minutes in rush hour traffic on 36
a thick gray fog meanders over four lanes of traffic
bronwyn sitting in the passenger seat
we talk about family members,life changes
she explains what it's like to have a sister
the waiter at the restaurant has oval glasses
he brings me a 2nd glass of wine that i didn't order
i almost kiss him for the mistake
rings glinting on left fingers in 7 of 10 seats around me
"tea length bridesmaid dresses..."
food piled into all corners of the table
chairs empty for smoke breaks
phones checked
women return with ice flakes clinging to their jackets
checks paid, scarf re-arranged
give coryn a big hug, we laugh a little,
i turn to leave but it doesn't feel right
second hug, no laugh this time
"remember to tell england to be kind to you, crazy vegetarian girl"
her friend's eyes fill with tears
i briefly wonder if they could freeze

my car looks like a tylenol capsule
completely iced over, all tiny beads
like that one photoshop tool
my scraper makes one thin pencil line down the window
it hardly makes a sound
turn the heat on high blast, curl up in the seat and wait
check voice mail, punching buttons awkwardly with gloves
friend's voice laughing over mac 'n cheese
at the downstairs bar
"happy birthday!"
i smile. feel guilty.
it's really hard to remember birthdays exactly right
punch in her number, tell her she's a few days shy
the ice cloud picks up in intensity
her voice shorts out
i start the drive home- no music
ice building on the blades as fast as they swipe
mirrors glaze over
SUV whips around me

the lightbulb in my porch light has burst again
three times in two months
black ice covers the porch with cat prints embedded in it
get to the top of my stairs, put the key in the door
think i hear his voice
blood runs a little cold
close the door hard
neighbor's voice is surprisingly similar
stand in the doorway of my bedroom
sinuses red hot
hard to swallow
seven weeks- strange- should get that checked out
desert living at its best
but it feels good to be home

pull back two blankets and the quilt
set the alarm
maybe tomorrow i'll get up at 7:15
stand in my running shoes
look out at the ice...